今天看到一本書，說二十多歲的年青人因忍受不少出來社會工作的殘酷，而再次進入校園修讀研究班。

正在修讀研究班的我也有同樣的困惑。當修讀完學士學位課程之後自己也感到很迷惘，其實在畢業前兩個學期那種困迫己經開始湧現。簡單的說我真的不知怎樣面對這世途險惡的現世，再加上面對家庭給我帶來的壓力，我真的感到很無助。

現在修讀研究班，好像為我帶來一個緩衝，至少我心理上有時間讓我慢慢理清自己。可是我只發覺我越讀越沒勁，越讀越感力不從心，我只感到我失去了當初讀書的那份熱情，那份衝勁。我不是甚麼高才生，成續沒有甚麼可以誇耀的。

那書講述了幾個人它們為甚麼再修讀研究班。有的只感工作所帶來的責任與壓力太大，所以更嚮往學校的生活，因學校的生活總是無憂無慮，總是充滿著年青人的活力和熱情；有的是為了確保自己的競爭能力而持續進修，只要不影響工作前途，沒有任何後顧之憂，而時間又許可的話，進修確是一項很好的投資；有的真的從讀書得到樂趣和滿足，而且又得到獎學金，在不用擔心負債下，不讀白不讀，而且薪優糧準，又有很多其他職業所沒有的長假期。

書中還提及時下的年青人總是負債的，而作者引述某人的觀點說「負債是一項投資」

我個人對負債這觀念有些模糊，似乎負債的存在總有些合理性，或者說適當的負債是健康的。負債就是別人所謂先洗未來錢，也因此這樣的負債是我們對未來的一種承諾。沒有任何負債其實是一種壓力，這証明你沒有善用社會或社會制度所容許你利用的資源。一個有車有樓的人，除了証明他是有能力有地位的人外，這是一種社會的認同。負債是對你自己未來的確認。

但這些確認，這些確保我們向著的某一個方向前進的動力，似乎使我們再沒有任何真正可以選擇的餘地。

會一次想說話，都是零零散散的，沒有甚麼條理的。這些條件本來對於寫作來說是很好的。但似乎我的基礎真很薄弱，所以空有好主意，但總是力不從心，所以甚麼理想都是空談吧了。

我的心並非真的冷淡，對某一些事我還是有一定的熱情，我還是有衝動的感覺想得到一些東西。只是路要怎樣走，總是很迷惘，也因此很容易迷失了。獨自開闢一條屬於自己的路，真的很獨單，面前的路似是沒有人走過，望極天涯盡是荒蕪。

但我總會感受到(我並不是相信)，有一些東西還是可以把握的。就好像人類進化到了這個階段，我們的身體外型就是讓我們有能力去把握和控制。我們的外型與內裡的思想與心靈是同時進步的。

或者只先放下自己的包袱，先放下別人強加給我們的包袱，我們才能踏起自己的腳步。

從十六歲我首嘗失敗的滋味，到現在廿三歲了，我一直似是忍受著某些魘鎮似的咀咒。如果我再有十七年的命，三十歲一點，四十歲一點，似乎還有很多時間，其實那一點時間也不是甚麼吧了。

快點定下一些人生目標吧！好讓自己在忍受痛苦、苦悶時，還擁有一絲絲希望而不致於絕望。

語言，神，思想，心理。

我要寫書，我要做圖書館管理員，我要做甚麼甚麼館的管理員，我要開書店，有一個讀書會也不錯。讓自己再經歷多一點吧。

為自己做多一點記錄吧

找出空白的地方吧，找出可能的形式吧。學習魔鬼的語言吧，學習天使的語言吧。

the past is something i can't go back

the future is something i can't lapse to

it is still the present which is the only companion which can bear with me

what i really want to know is what is real in this world, what is it all about in this world. i don't really want to leave without don't really know what really is this world.

may be it is do no good to be too self-reflective, may be i am too arrogant that i think i am able to fight in the spiritual war, the war dwells within. i should not risk myself or i may lose myself in the darkness forever. let me be wicked and superficial, this will do well for me to leave longer enough for me to understand this world, the world i am living in.

please don't abandon me. if you are going to judge me in this hour, i know for any reason i am going to have the smell of burning ever swivelling in my hollowed armor.

i know i should not read, for the more i read, the more hopeless i am. i should read no more than i should, for the reason of good health.

i am going to rebel to the rebellion. let me be deprived, let me be seized. it is in which i am the wretched flag swivelling on the battlefront.

Currently Watching Exorcism of Emily Rose By Laura Linney see related

may be i am already on the right path, or, at least, i am only alongside of it. But, i just deny it.

love is greater than the law; possibility and doubt, the fact

i am the one who dwell within, dwarf and dwindle

in the name of God, i command you to identify yourself ... what is your name. 

find your own salvation by fear and trembling.

i don't know...

faith

Currently Reading The Red Pony (Penguin Great Books of the 20th Century) By John Steinbeck see related

...the theme of withheld fulfillment is something else again, and has less to do with the immediate situation thatn with Steinbeck's long-sustained world view

the device of imcompletion is typical of much that Steinbeck would write, and is part-and parcle of his biologically ditermined notions about animate life, but it should not be confuesd with what critics call indeterminacy or ambiguity. Life...one or our most ambiguous authors does not organize itself into tidy periodicities; that is the role of literature. For Steinbeck, life and literature were reciporcal functions, and he regard the dtuy of the autor as one od devising fictions that capture dthe kinds od discontinuity that define life, both animal and human, whcih is made up of no terminations , no neat package of events, just a sequence of happenings productive of other happenings. Much as Jody continually contrives to escape the authoriyt of his parents, so there sotries subversively evade the traditionally role of literature, which is to shape the raw, discontinuous stuff of life into orderly units chiefly defined by strategies of closure. In sum, art tames diorderly elements and put them in harness, the fate the red pony escapes through death.

this reading...is contradictory to the standard interpretation of these stories, whcih sees them as leading to Jody's maturation, as stages in a developmental impossibility.